Once again, following approaches from friends and even strangers, I’ve reluctantly been persuaded not to seek local government office.
Don’t get me wrong. I know as well as everyone else seems to that I’d be a truly terrible councillor. Issues with boredom thresholds, attention to detail, tolerance to provocation, collaboration, and the sheen coming off my ego all present themselves as likely problems.
But as a candidate? Different skill set entirely. I could ace that bit.
So here, for the edification of actual candidates, is a revival and update of that strategy I’ve been selflessly working upon since 2001 when I first proposed improvements to the lamentable standard of campaign billboards.
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Voters tend to talk about how insulted they feel when they see boards that say nothing more than Vote Me.
They make the same complaint each time – do the candidates think they’re so dim their reaction will be a cheerful “Durr….okaaaaay’’.
And yet there’s strong anecdotal evidence that the very simplicity of those messages cuts through regardless.
Why? For starters, people do tend to be people pleasers. What’s more, lots of us, I believe, faintly enjoy it when we can satisfy instructions easily, or even effortlessly.
Knowing this, my billboards would trump the rest by being just a tad more instructive.
‘’Vote Fallow. And ignore other billboards’’.
Then I’d tailor some of the boards with subtle differences depending on the location.
Those posted around rest homes would read: “Vote That Nice Michael Fallow”
Around student flats it’d say: “They don’t want you to vote Michael Fallow.’’
And, because I’m pretty sure I’m one of the few who ever watched The Simpsons I’d probably get away with nicking that line off Mayor Quimby’s campaign; “Vote Fallow. If You Were Running He’d Vote For You.’’
(I was a little hurt when the Southland District Mayor didn’t accept my suggestion that his re-election campaign slogan last election should have been ‘’Keep Calm and Gary Tong.’’)
What of the rising significance of online campaigning? Delegate for pity’s sake. Are you a 19-year old? I’m pretty sure you are not. So find yourself someone who is, do what it takes to recruit them –this may entail buying them something mystify electronic object – and then have nothing else to do with them at all.
Trust me, whatever they come up with, you’re the last person to judge whether it’s any good.
Next the tricky matter of election meetings in which candidates are quizzed on their ideas for civic enhancement and improved council performance. The presumption being you should have some.
I shall not have facts and figures at my fingertips. Just figures. Throw enough of them at people and the facts tend to get obliterated by the digital shrapnel.
“Half our the ratepayers in this city are paying above the average!’’ I shall complain, more-or-less accurately. “I shall reverse this!’
Pledging to lower rates is too implausible to get away with any more. People have heard that too often, and been satisfied too seldom. You need a pledge that sounds vaguely achievable and desirable, but is also just that bit too complex for folk to bother to analyse critically.
So I shall guarantee to put an end to the erosion of the mounting decline of the skyrocketing plummet in the suppression of upwards pressure on the falling incidence of dampening the negation of rate-rise reactivity.
And you can quote me on that.
When it comes to fending off persnickety details about the achievements of any stated goals, what a candidate most needs is to know how to answer a sticky question with an agreeable adverb.
“These problems must be sorted out!’’ I shall thunder to any campaign meeting
“But how?’’ others will ask.
“Quickly, cheaply and efficiently!’’ I shall declare. And promptly sit down.
Should some of my answers contrast with others, I shall use the same technique that political parties use, by citing it as an indication of my broadmindedness and openness to different views.
Probably by citing Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Very well I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.’’
In that respect, I shall be a one-candidate ticket in my own right, parts of me likeminded with the rest of me, but also open to internal dissent. Because that’s only democratic.
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